Dear Loved Ones,
Has homework time imploded on you? Either you find yourself refocusing your student every two seconds, or you are resorting to yelling, threatening, and tears just to get them going.
Hey, listen. I get it.
I may have some expertise in this area, but that doesn't make my teenage daughters any less ADHD.
Let's pause here, and send eachother a collective prayer for breathe, calm, and an all expenses paid vacation to Hawaii.
(Breathe)
First things first. Behavior control is an illusion. Especially among our strong willed brilliant children. So, let that go. Let. That. Go.
We cannot "make" our kids do anything, but we CAN persuade them (and outsmart them, frankly). Cue, maniacal laugh.
Do you feel the empowerment coming back into your body. Ok. Let's do this then.
Enjoy!
Is your student overwhelmed? Overwhelm will stop them, before they have a chance to start. Overwhelm will choose for them. It will stop your student from being able to access their own brain.
Spends more time arguing about doing homework, than actually doing homework.
Yells at you when you are helping.
Won't take the help that you offer.
Cries about doing homework.
Puts off doing homework, to the point of not having time to finish it.
Lies about homework.
Complains of headaches or other physical complaints during homework time.
Becomes overly angry, defensive, or upset when you ask about homework.
Increasingly forgetful about homework.
Makes negative comments about the work. ("Algebra is so dumb")
Makes negative comments about the teacher. ("The teacher is a jerk.")
Makes negative comments about self. ("I'm stupid. I can't do this")
Overwhelm is fertile ground in which procrastination grows.
When overwhelm sets in, stress hormones are released. The brain finds it more important to seek relief to what it perceives as danger. Our struggling students are essentially blocked from accessing their own thoughts, memories, and ability to focus until that hormone is metabolized.
If your student is reaching overwhelm on a regular basis, this will impact their overall mental health (and grades). There is a risk of developing an anxiety disorder, specifically triggered around homework and then school work in general. It will take some work to redefine this association, but it can be done.
It might be time to recalibrate our approach.
Starting with backing off the pressure and advocating for less work. Be honest with your teachers about what you are seeing at home. Many wonderful struggling students will keep it together all day, only to fall apart at home. The teachers may have no idea that they are genuinely struggling.
It is also helpful to understand what circumstances tend to dissolve motivation, and address those. I explore this further here: How To Survive The Mid-Semester Slump.
For the purpose of today's strategy though, I want to introduce a different approach to homework time itself.
Starting… With The Limit
Frustration comes when reality doesn't meet expectation. Let's adjust both of these elements. We will set a time limit to homework time, and then advocate for our students if they don’t finish within that allotted time.
Recognize that the precious little time you have with your child, at home, is your family time. Teachers cannot tell us what to do with our family time. We honor our teachers by dedicating a small portion to their work, but we have every right to put a limit on it.
Step 1: Set the time limit.
Set a limit (yes, limit) to school work time.
A great guide is no more than 10 minutes per grade level (ex. 6th grade = 60 minutes max).
This is a maximum (not minimum) time for all subjects. If they finish in less time, that’s even better.
Step 2: Get ready to advocate.
You will guard this time limit, so whatever homework doesn't get done, you will explain to the teacher.
You will share that you set a limit, you will explain what happened during homework time, and then ask for more time, or for the assignment to be excused. More often than not, teacher's agree to one of those options and also give the student class time to finish.
Step 3: Establish the agreement with your student.
(Acknowledge the struggle.) "Homework time has been tough lately. It seems like you've been feeling overwhelmed. You might have noticed, I've ben feeling frustrated too. So, I was hoping we could find a way for you to not feel so overwhelmed, and I'll work on my frustration too."
(Make the deal) "If you are willing to get started, I'm willing to limit homework time at ____ minutes. This means, you can stop homework, no matter what is done or not done. Whatever, you haven't done I'll explain to the teacher and either ask for more time or ask for it to be excused. Either way, I'll stand up for you."
Step 4: Get it scheduled.
This strategy brings a great opportunity for some time management practice, using the Visual Time for The Time Blind strategy.
After blocking the obligations, point out the free times.
"See all those while spaces. You tell me when you'd like to do the ___ minutes of school work."
What if they don't have homework that day? There is always something that they can do. Catch up on some reading, get ahead in a class, update the agenda, or reorganize the backpack.
Some basic rules to live by, when using this strategy.
We do NOT sacrifice sleep for homework. Ever.
We do not sacrifice organized recreation for homework.
We do stay available and around to help (when asked).
We do not have screens on, in the house, during homework time.
We do use music.
We do help our kids refocus, simply. by being in their field of view. (See more on Body Doubling here)
We do stay flexible with the start time.
Overwhelm creates a significant barrier to success for unique learners, but there are things we can do at home to help. Healthy boundaries around work at home is a lifelong skill, and this strategy is great introduction to those healthy habits.
